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Don't Quit Before the Miracle

by Tam Stevens

As written in The Road Less Traveled: “life is hard.” That’s the first thing I guess I have to accept. It’s hard, often unyielding, but possible.

I could make this a list of all the nice things I can do for myself to keep me happy (stable would be a much more accurate description), but I guess for me it doesn’t work that way. My mood or state of mind is not something I can will into a good place, or even a stable place. I am presented with what I am presented with and I go from there.

I am often presented with, yes, suicidal feelings. People don’t like to talk about that, but it’s mine and, I’m sure, many others’ truth. What’s more important to say here is having the feeling and acting on the feeling are two different things.

I have learned over the years to combat those feelings no matter what. No matter what, and that is why I am here today. One essential thought is to know the feeling will pass. It will most likely appear again, but it will each time pass and the key is to outlast that feeling.

Sometimes I choose the hardest road and just sob until I pass out with exhaustion. Sometimes I call people and stay on the line never mentioning there’s anything wrong. Sometimes I do mention it, the point being to outlast the feeling. Maybe I’ll call Ingraham... There’s a million things I can do. My decisions aren’t always good ones, but they get me through. I could tell you to punch pillows or write or paint or any number of activities. But knowing the feeling is temporary is the important part.

I can’t do anywhere near what I want to but I have to accept that for my own health and safety. Personally I require a lot of sleep. It’s also important for me to keep pretty constant contact with people. Be it in person or phone or email, too. Though I very much enjoy my time alone, it is vitally important that I keep in touch with others as well and not isolate.

I do have a kitty who is a major part of my journey and would suggest a pet to those who would enjoy their companionship and unconditional love. Just another soul in the home to live with me. She’s a gem and I would never ever have guessed how much she would help. Animals have beautiful souls and are almost always willing to share that with you.

It’s good for me to set goals for myself, projects and other things that keep me busy physically and mentally. I won’t say this though without reiterating and knowing my limits.

I guess I should mention triggers: they are things we know upset us. It is smart to avoid as many of them as possible, and that, of course, can include by all means people.

I have left for last my largest coping mechanism, and that is god. Now god can mean many different things to many different people but I find it for me, ESSENTIAL to believe that there is a greater power than me, a higher plan of which I am not privy. There is a reason for everything and I have to believe that. And to end all this I guess I would say no matter what you tell the world, always, and above all, to thine own self be true.

As they say, don’t quit before the miracle.

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